There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
