I want to make a zoo with you.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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