you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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