I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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