I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
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He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
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It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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