why didn't you poke me back
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
