you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
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Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
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I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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