i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
