i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
