I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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