how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
