walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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