He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
