people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
