oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Never joke about your clitoris.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
