If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
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I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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