I'm going to jail i love you
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
