I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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