saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
