and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.