morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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