he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
