Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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