his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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