Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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