whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
