His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
