a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
