I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
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He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
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grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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