WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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