she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
