You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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