Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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