After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
