I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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