First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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