Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
