I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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