my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
