I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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