My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
