you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
