I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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