i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
