somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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