I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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