I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
