I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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