i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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