phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
