When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.