i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
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At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
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The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.