There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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