I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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