I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
