Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
