On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
