I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
two words...techno handjob
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
