the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
