i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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