and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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