Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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